VIOLISTS

Why do some Violin players double on Viola?
So they can get less work.

How does a Viola player make his car faster?
Take the Dominos' Pizza sign off the roof.

How do you get rid of a Viola player at your front door?
Pay for the Pizza.

What approach does a door-to-door Viola salesman use?
Sympathy.

What approach does a door-to-door Viola salesman use?
"Hello. I'm working my way through kindergarten."

What kind of calendar does a Viola player use to keep track of his gigs?
Decade-at-a-Glance

If a Cellist plays a Cello and a Violinist plays a Violin, who plays a Viola?
An idiot

What's the usual orchestration of a string quartet?
A good violinist, a bad violinist, someone who used to be a violinist (Viola player), and someone who hates violinists.

Definition of an optimist:
A Viola player with a pager.

Definition of a big optimist:
A Viola player with a mortgage.

Definition of a gentleman:
A man who knows how to play the viola ... but doesn't.

What does a Viola player say when he gets to his gig?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Why don't you see MIDI Violas being used in rock bands anymore?
Mattel stopped making them.

What kind of microphone works best live on a Viola with a rock band?
A Sony wireless mini-condenser with a dead battery.

What's the most famous TV show to feature a Viola?
A Popiel infomercial; The Viola was used to make crinkle-cut fries.

How can you tell for sure that the concert stage is level?
The Violists are drooling out of both sides of their mouths.

How can a professional Violinist best keep his Violin from getting stolen?
Keep it in a Viola case.

What's the difference between a Viola player driving into town and a
plumber driving into town?
The plumber is going to a gig.

What's the difference between a dead Viola player lying in the road
and a dead Accordion player lying in the road.
The Accordion player was probably going to a gig.

What's the difference between a dead Viola player lying in the road and a dead snake lying in the road.
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the difference between a dead Viola player lying in the road and a dead Accordion player lying in the road.
A crowd of sympathetic people trying to put the Accordion back together.

What's the difference between a dead Viola player lying in the road and a dead skunk lying in the road.
Vultures will eventually eat the skunk.

What's the difference between a Viola lying in the road and a used Tampax lying in the road.
Eventually someone will pick up the Tampax.

A conductor and a violist are walking on the road, and you are driving. Which one should you hit first?
The violist. (Business before pleasure)

What would you say if you saw a Viola player at the beach, covered neck-deep in the sand?
"Can we get some more sand over here?"

What's the only thing separating Violists from the apes?
The 2nd Violin section.

What would you say to a Viola player in a 3-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise?"

Why do people get nervous when someone walks into a bank carrying a Viola case?
It might actually contain a Viola - and he might take it out and play it.

Why do Viola players keep their cases on their car dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

What famous stand-up comedian quipped, "Take my Viola ... please"?
None of them did; They all knew it wouldn't be funny.

How do you drown a Viola player?
Line the bottom of his bathtub with scratch 'n sniffs.

What's the best way to disable a Violist?
Stab him in the back. If he can't lean back in his chair, he can't play.

How do you get a Viola player to play softer?
Put WD-40 in his rosin.

What's the latest new crime wave in New York?
Drive-by Viola recitals.

What do you call 50 Violists at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start. (The lawyers are down there too.)

What do you call 50 Violists skydiving out of a plane?
Skeet

If a tree falls on a Viola in the forest and nobody hears it, is there a sound?
Yes. The sound of applause (as soon as the word gets around).

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from a Viola recital.

There's a terrorist driving east and a Viola player walking west.
What can be surmised from this?
The Viola player is probably lost (as usual).
The terrorist is probably on his way to a gig.

How do you keep a violist from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

A Violist and a Soprano are trapped in a burning building and you can only save one. What's the real spiritual dilemma here?
Should you go to lunch or to a movie?

Why should you never try to drive a roofing nail with a Viola?
You might bend the nail.

Why is a Viola called "Bratsche" in Germany?
That's the sound it makes when you sit on it.

Why do Viola players prefer to use the lighter, soft "gig bag" instrument cases?
They love to hear that sound .... "bratsche, bratsche"

If a tree falls on a Viola in the forest and nobody hears it, is there a sound?
Absolutely: A very loud "Bratsche".

What's the difference between a Viola and a trampoline?
You really should take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

What's the ideal length for a Viola case?
About 6 inches, from the base to the lid of the urn.

How is the Viola defined in physics textbooks?
A friction-driven, vibrating, manually-operated, musical pitch-approximator.

What's the most popular recording of the Walton Viola concerto?
Music Minus One

What's worse than a Viola ensemble performing Bach transcriptions?
Not much.
Okay, how about 200 2nd graders with Accordions accompanying a 75-year-old retired wrestler on Bagpipes, performing a Phillip Glass arrangement of Variations on the Brady Bunch theme song.
That's worse.

Why don't orchestrators indicate Scordatura in Viola parts?
The instrument is already detuned; It would just confuse the player.

What is the longest Viola joke?
Harold in Italy

How do you go about transcribing a Violin piece for Viola?
Divide the metronome marking by 2.
Then change all 16th notes to 8ths, and take out all the 32nd notes.
Finally, mark the part "OPTIONAL; PLAY ONLY IF THERE IS NO ACCORDION."

What do you call the cadenza in a Viola concerto?
Comic relief.

What inspired Bach to write his first canon?
He heard two violists trying to play unison.

Why are Viola parts written in Alto Clef?
Harder to prove that wrong notes weren't copying errors.

What's the difference between Alto clef and classic Greek manuscript?
Some Viola players can actually read Greek.

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why is a viola solo like a death?
You know its coming ... but you can't do anything about it.

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
You know its coming ... but you can't do anything about it.

Why is playing a Viola solo like wetting your pants?
Both give you a nice warm feeling.

What does "subito piano" mean?
There's about to be a 4th desk Viola solo.

How long does a Viola generally stay in tune?
3 or 4 weeks - or until someone starts to play it; Whichever comes first.

What's the most common tuning system for Violas in Western music?
Badly-tempered.

What are the two most common dynamic markings used by composers for Viola parts?
PP & PDP (Pianissimo & Please Don't Play)

When do Viola players usually replace their strings?
Right after they finish eating the Crackerjacks.

Why do Viola players keep a rag between their chin and the Viola?
To absorb the drool.

How do you get a Violist to play a tremolando?
Mark the passage "SOLO."

How do make a violist perform a flying spiccatto?
Mark on a whole note "upbow, solo."

How does an orchestrator create an orchestral glissando effect?
Write a 16th note run for the Violas.

How can you tell if a Viola is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw a Viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

What's the famous Viola players' credo?
"It's far better to play a little sharp than to play out of tune."

Who makes the best Viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.

Who makes the best Viola bows?
Sears/Craftsman. Deluxe model comes with extra hacksaw blades.

Did you hear about the Violist who always played in tune?
You wanna hear about it?
Listen, I can get you a great deal on the Brooklyn Bridge.
6 easy payments of $39.95.

Did you hear about the Violist who played so out of tune even the rest of the Viola section could tell?
(Just kidding. That could never happen.)

What's the first requirement at the "International Viola Competition?"
Hold the Viola from memory.

What's the range of a Viola?
35 yards if you've got a good arm.

How can you make a Violin sound more like a Viola?
Play only on the G string and miss a lot of notes.

How do you get a Viola to play in tune?
Chop it up and use the pieces to make a xylophone.

How can you make a Violin sound more like a Viola?
Sit in the back row and just pretend to play.

Why do symphony orchestras use so many Violas?
To make the custodial staff feel superior.
(It also helps with the homeless problem.)

How do get a Viola section to play softer?
Give them the music.

What's the difference between a Viola section and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Why are orchestral concert intermissions only 15 minutes long?
So the Violists won't forget where the stage is.

What the first sound you hear after the conductor yells, "Bratsche"?
The Concertmaster saying, "Gesundheit".

How do you get two Viola players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them.

What's the definition of a minor 2nd?
Two Viola players playing in unison.

What do you call two Viola players playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What's the difference between the first and last desk of a Viola section?
Usually not more than a couple of beats.

In an orchestra, what's traditionally done when a Viola player dies?
He gets moved back one desk.

How can you tell that a Viola player has died?
You'll see the other Violists staring at his chair.

How can you tell that a Viola player has died?
The Violinists have hopeful looks on their faces.

How can you tell that a Viola player has died?
He drops his bow - but doesn't pick it up.

How can you tell that a Viola player has died?
The Brass players invent a new batch of Viola jokes.

What does a Viola section sound like under water?
A good idea.

What's the last thing a Violist does before walking on stage for a concert?
Looks for his instrument.

How is a symphony Viola section like the Beatles?
Neither has played together for years.

When did the Leningrad Viola Ensemble originate?
It was formed in 1956, right after the Leningrad Symphony toured the United States.

How do you know there's a group of Viola players at your door?
None of them can find the key: None of them knows where to come in.

What do you call a Viola section in a hot tub?
Vegetable soup.

What's the difference between a class of deaf students and a symphony Viola section?
The Violists have a pension plan.